This is it!

This is kind of a bittersweet ending. I am so excited to see friends and family, but I hate leaving the place I learned to call home. My last night in Bere revealed how many lives God has touched through me. I worked a half day in the hospital and said bye to all my hospital friends. I took a ton of pictures to remember each and every face.

I went to lunch with my adopted family, and we ate a five course meal. It was really hard to say good-bye. Naomi started crying multiple times. Let's be real, I was close to tears as well while I held my sobbing Tchadian mother in my arms.

Packing was a blur. I think I packed everything I wanted, but I don't know for certain. I wanted to get it done and go back to talking and saying bye to everyone. I played a movie for my family and they made me a special meal for dinner. We had a great time. Multiple people showed up to my compound just to say bye! They didn't see me during the day and wanted to make sure they were able to say bye. Naomi even ran back to the SM hut from her house (3 km) after sundown to say bye again. She was also at the bus stop bright and early to see us off. 

Teary eyed I got on the bus and waved goodbye to my Tchadian friends, family, and home. As the familiar scenery faded in the distance and I began to reflect on my time spent in Tchad. I have learned many things and have change in many ways. During the course of my stay I have learned to love and/or accept what Tchad had to offer. 

I learned to love my mud hut. Let's be real, I learned to love all mud huts. I would check out mud huts as I walked around Bere commenting about what I like best about the compound's design. Although I used to hate maxi skirts they are my new best friend. I learned to love boule and sauce. Eating with my hands were a trial at first, but I got the hang of it. In the beginning I would use a few fingers to avoid dirtying my whole hand. It never worked. I had to get close and personal with my food. I had to get it all over me to learn the proper way to eat with your hands. I didn't always eat with my hands. I learned to love using a spoon to eat spaghetti-like pasta and other difficult things to eat with a spoon. 

I learned to love sleeping outside on the floor. You have no privacy outside, but I learned to not care. I learned to ignore and enjoy the moment. I could lay on my back and enjoy the bright stars or full moon. Even the cloudy nights had a tranquil essence that I enjoyed. I was truly bless by nature. From scary motto drives to traditional dances to even walking around barefoot all the time I learned to love them all. 

I have learned to accept the things I cannot change such as the corruption, poverty, malnutrition, and the poor treatment of women. Although that doesn't mean I stopped trying to change those things. I realized that it is a fight that needs many warriors. I would continue to do my part, but I wouldn't kill myself over it. 

In a country riddled with extreme poverty and corruption I found the meaning of true joy. There are wants and needs that aren't met, but many Tchadians are happy for any form of aid. Even when in my eyes the aid given seems useless they will have the biggest smile on their face. Some will even shout for joy and dance around. Even when nothing is giving you can see they are still happy with the little the have. (Although when they see a nasara many people will ask for something...it is hard to explain, but I promise many people seem to live happy lives with the little they have).

Tchad is a crazy place, but thank God "we are not salt." Naomi's saying is a perfect illustration. The clouds may roll in and the storms may come, but we won't dissolve. Poverty, malnutrition, and corruption are constantly pouring rain on the people of Tchad. Many missionaries have come to try and make a difference. However, there is a lot of work to do. Praise God these people aren't salt. They have and will continue to hold on until help comes in whatever form it may be. Tchadian's are strong people. They won't dissolve because they are not salt.

Selena

Selena is one of the laundry ladies for the compound. While I was in Moundou (over a month ago...sorry for the delay) I was able to hear her story and I felt really compelled to share it on my blog. About 4 or 5 years ago Selena's husband died leaving her with twins to care for. (The storyteller was unsure if she had other kids on top of the twins to care for). Just like during biblical times, in Tchad the wife marries the husband's brother to carry on the husband's name.

So Selena moved into her brother-in-law's house after they got married. The brother-in-law, or her new husband, was an alcoholic. And, of course, like many alcoholics here he would get really drunk and beat Selena. One day he got out of control.

The brother-in-law came home drunk, stripped Selena, and dragged her outside. He threw her on the floor and proceeded to beat her with a hoe. All of their neighbors came outside to see what all of the commotion was about. There were many in the audience, but no one ran to Selena's aid. 

Her husband was yelling, "I'm going to kill you," and beating her mercilessly. Thankfully, something changed his mind. Selena was at death's doorstep when came to his senses. Therefore, he stuffed her into a pousse-pousse (it is like a wheelbarrow but with two wheels) and rushed her to the hospital. 

Although he took Selena to the hospital, he didn't want to pay the hospital bill. He told Tammy something happened to Selena and he needed help paying the hospital bill. He didn't want to tell her that he was the cause of it. Tammy ran to the hospital to see if Selena would be ok and how she could help. As soon as Tammy heard how Selena got hurt she was furious. Tammy didn't want to help the husband by paying the bill because he caused the injuries. Yet, she knew that if she didn't pay the bill Selena's husband would let her die.

So Tammy decided that she would pay the hospital bill and take the brother-in-law's pousse-pousse as collateral. She told the husband she would return the pousse-pousse to him after the settled his debt. He agreed to Tammy's terms and Selena got the care she needed. 

Selena's husband came to work off his debt a few days later. Tammy told him to wash laundry and sweep the compound, but he refused. He said that those were jobs for woman. Tammy told him that he was the one who caused Selena to miss work, therefore, he had to do Selena's job while she recovers. He didn't appreciate her responce, but he grinned and bared it. He worked off all his debt.

Selena didn't go back to her husband, although everyone was pressuring her to return. Even the hospital chaplain said that she had to return. If she wanted to be a good wife and honor God then she needed to return. In the end she said that only Tammy and Naomi, which were the only ones that helped her, loved her and everyone else didn't. She was going to listen to what her love ones were saying. She refused to return to her husband and believed that the Lord still loved her for the decision she made. 

However, after living on her own for 2 years she returned to her husband. Tammy ensure that Selena had everything she needed to make it on her own, but the social pressures got to her. Everyone shunned her and talked behind her back. They would say things like, "she thinks she is better then everyone else because she works for the white lady." Although she heard her husband say next time he would finish the job (i.e. kill her) with her own ears, she rather be accepted by everyone and lose her life then be shunned by most of the community. 

Currently, Selena is still alive and working in the compound, but we never know what tomorrow will bring. Women are suppose to be equal now. There is even a celebration for women's day on March 8, but it is only empty actions and words. Women are still at the bottom of the totem pole, and young little girls are the lowest of low. 

Even women abuse little girls. To think that they would sympathize with the girls because they have gone through the same thing. They know how it feels,. However, that is rarely the case. For example, a little girl was caught stealing something in the market. Obviously the little girl was hungry and felt stealing food was the only way to get what she needed. The little girl's aunt wanted to teach her a lesson she would never forget. So, she tied straw to the little girl's fingers and lit them on fire.... Yes the little girl learned a lesson, but she also lost the use of her hands. She can't work to earn money to buy the things she needs in the market. Living in Tchad has opened my eyes to our cruel reality. I hear story after story about how people are misused and abused. There is a need for rules and standards to help the helpless that can be enforced somehow.

Things in Tchad remind me of Levitical times. I have been reading through the book of Leviticus and have made many connections. For instance, eye for an eye can be applied to everyone, however, I think it was written for women and servants specifically. Those are the main people who are misused and abused.

God understood the burden women had during Levitical times. That is why he made certain rules that don't really make sense to use in this day and age (some still make sense). Living in Tchad I realized that it was a blessing to be consider unclean during your period or after giving birth. Women were able to get a break from their husbands. They had a couple days, or months, rest from beatings or fulfilling their husbands sexual drives. Instead of nowadays, when periods feel like curses and I'm sure childbirth isn't desired either, yet women welcomed it with open arms. I see how after having a baby women strap their newborn on their back and get back to work. Their husbands begin having sex with them before they have finished healing from giving birth. Tchadian women need laws similar to those found in Leviticus. They have few rights and large burdens to carry. Tchadian women have to endure a lot. They are very strong people, but they need a break.

****I wanted to write a Levitical series and show the correlations between Tchad and Levitical times. However, I stopped writing and/or ran out of time. So...at least I posted one right?

Praise Report

So today I stepped out of my comfort zone. I know it may not be a big deal to you guys, but it was to me. Therefore, I am going to tell you my story, however, it will be very succinct.

As I posted earlier Charis has left to America. Normally every Monday afternoon we go to the hospital and color with the children. At first we tried to color at pediatrics, but it didn't work out. Most of the children were really sick and had no energy to color. So we started coloring with the children over at the surgery ward. (Now it is mostly mothers who come, but at least we are making someone happy).

With Charis being gone I had to go and color alone. First of all, I am a shy extrovert. I'm not very outgoing, however I will talk to you if you talk to me. Second of all, I hate doing many various things alone. In short, I really didn't want to color without Charis although I knew I should. There was a mental warfare raging as I tried to talk myself into going to color with the children. 

I prayed long and hard, then sucked it up and walked over to the hospital. As I walked I prayed that God would send one of the kids who have been at the hospital a long time to help me. As soon as I walked through the fence Madini, my fake son, came running towards me. I was comforted by his presence although I knew he couldn't help me call all the children over. Another kid was waiting for me at the spot we usually color. Soon, one by one, people started coming. I didn't have to call anyone over. God did the work for me. Let's be real, I would have colored with my son and the other kid and be perfectly fine. I would have told myself at least I came to color and leave good enough alone, but praise God He is strong in my weakness. I had to take initiative and He helped me the whole way through. 

Quick Update

After my two week break I decided to dedicate a day to catch up on my blogs. Let's be real, I'm only posting a summary about everything I would have written about. From the demon possessions to the so real feeling I have about leaving. 

Demon possessions - So the whole country shut down school for a week because of the mass hysteria that was going on. Once school started again the craziness commenced also. I had stopped trying to put a label on whatever was going on. Whatever it was the devil seemed to be on the winning side of the girls lives. The situation almost split the church and all of Bere. 

One day, one of my friends was carried to the hospital due to demon possession. Charis, Naomi, and I decided we should go over to the hospital and pray with her. (We had been praying for all the girls, but we wanted to physically be there for our friend). That is how I was able to see firsthand how the doctors treated this situation. 

I have to commend the doctors. It is a tough situation to deal with, and I feel like they handled it really well. Honestly, at first I was a little confused about their tactics, but I knew they had a reason behind their actions. Basically, Olen was yelling and asking my friend what her name was. She started to act up and get crazy again, so he pushed her down onto the hospital bed. He continued to scream and ask his questions as he inflicted a little bit of pain, whether it was bending the finger back or a finger pinch.

The church elders were all over Charis and I trying to make us see their side of things. They were mad that Olen kicked them out of the room because it was demon possession and a matter for prayer. We told them we were staying out of the situation. If they really felt compelled they should discuss it with the doctors at a more appropriate time. (Honestly, I wondered why they took all the girls to the hospital if they thought the only thing the girls needed was prayer).

The next day, Olen explained his actions during staff meeting while Danae went to talk with the children at the Adventist school. Danae answered all the teenagers questions and told the girls that if anyone else faked a demon possession they would be kicked out of school. Olen used the Bible as his support. He pointed how Jesus asked a possessed man what is your name and the response was Legion, not the man's name. That is why his first question to all the girls was what is your name. He continued to go through the Bible, story after story, showing how in the Bible the demon possessed cut themselves, threw themselves on the fire, or had no sense of pain. Within 10 seconds most of the girls would be telling him their name and answering all of Olen's question with the slightest bit of pain. 

After giving his argument for why he felt it wasn't demon possession, he continued to explain why he felt these girls were putting on a show. He used my friend as an example because everyone knew her. (She lives with her uncle who use to work in the hospital). She is far from her immediate family. Her father isn't around and the uncle she was living with took off for other reasons not involving her. Basically, she has no male influence in her life. However, when she throws herself on the floor and fakes a devil possession all her male classmate run to hold her down. The men of the church come and pray for her during her attack, and after every man is concerned for her. Boys and men come to visit her and ensure she is doing ok. It makes sense to do if you desperately want attention, but the girls obviously didn't think of the repercussions. No one will want to marry someone who is/was devil possessed. So they had a short moment of attention and then they will be even worse off from when they started.

It has been two weeks since these talks and there have been no more demon possessions. 

Gymnastics - We weren't able to get a show together because of the craziness with the girls. I am a little bummed about it, but I thank God for the time I had with the kids. They still come to gymnastics excited to practice and learn something new.

Crochet classes - I have been trying to write a pattern book for all the woman. I want to make sure they can continue on their own after I leave. I have made a pretty decent pattern book on my iPad, but the lady I wanted to teach how to read it got sick. Basically, she got a few splinters from pounding boule. The stick splintered while she was using it and the cuts got infected. Her thumb had doubled in size due to swelling and infection. For two weeks she was unable to come to class because she couldn't crochet. At first the sante-sante was only giving her Ibuprofen shots! Her hand kept getting worse and worse. I heard the she was only getting Ibu and said something to Naomi, but I'm not sure if the woman was told. Either way the next week she her hand was looking much better when she came to class. She was even able to crochet. So I pray that I can teach her and Naomi everything they need to know before I leave.

 

Party - I threw a small traditional Tchadian party at my house this past Saturday night. Let's be real, I tried to make it traditional, but what I imagined in my head isn't what took place. Most of my friends work in the hospital, so they were all called in for an emergency and were unable to come. Therefore, my party was composed of mostly party crashers and children. At first I was really upset, but I still had a lot of fun and enjoyed myself. I invited these amazing drummers for music, but they never came... I don't know what happened to them. Naomi said that they had confirmed they were coming Sabbath morning, but something must have happened. Our thoughts is someone died and they had to go and play for the funeral instead. (We just played the radio instead). Either way we had a ton of good food and funny moments. All of the men left early, but it was for the best. My family and the other kids had a blast with Charis and I. We taught them the cupid shuffle and tried to show them how to salsa dance. They taught us traditional Tchadian dances and we had a good time. It probably would have been more awkward then fun if all the men stayed. Charis and I are sure they wouldn't have danced. 

As of now everyone is gone...well almost everyone. The Parkers and the Blands left last week, and Charis left yesterday morning. The compound is really empty now. I am the only person left in the group of friends I made. Lionel and Charis left for home and the Tchadians are on a trip in N'Djamena. Therefore, I have been very lonely lately. I still go out and talk to/hang out with people, but it isn't the same. However, the more lonely I get the more excited I am to go home and see all my friends and family. I am still really sad to leave, but at the same time I miss you guys a ton!

Yeast Infection Clinic

I was finally able to make it over to Naomi's house to take a picture of the new infection clinic building. It is a top of the line fire red brick house that will last for a very long time. Thank you for all your donation and support. There is no way we could have done this without you. The building isn't officially open yet, however,  Naomi is hard at work treating as many people as she can. There are many people who struggle with yeast infections who are now able to find relief through Naomi's remedies. 

Time is Short!!

Sorry my blogs seem to get shorter and shorter. I thought I was doing a lot of stuff in the beginning, but now I realize I was wrong. Ya, I did some stuff, however, it is nothing like what I am doing now. It just hit me that I only have one month left in Tchad. I have learned to love and/or accept both good and bad things that Bere (Tchad in general) has to offer. 

I have made close friends, which forces me to learn and use the language. We have many inside jokes. I have laughed and cried with these friends. From feasting together to comforting my friends at a loved one's funeral, we have gotten really close. I truly understand what Pastor Rich and everyone else meant when they said every SM goes through a cycle. I'm sure you can even recognize my stages based on blog posts alone.

It is sad to think about how short time truly is. Therefore, I am trying to do anything and everything with the time I have left. This means I have a lot to blog about, but very little time to do it in. (For example, I have a 5 year old Fulani son now. His name is Matidi. He is too cute and too fun to explain shortly. All you need to know for now is that everyone thinks he is Leonel's and my kid. Matidi favors both of us and is with us all the time). I don't even have a real day off anymore. Ya I get tired, but I am loving every minute of it.

I was able to find a wonderful translator for the new purse program. So every Sunday morning, for four hours,  we go out and walk around Bere finding people to talk to and possibly help. It has been a true blessing. I wish I could write individual stories about every person we have spoken with, and who we were able help. 

Also the crochet lessons are going really well. My plan is to teach them how to read crochet patterns so they can continue to learn and make new things after I have left. Therefore, I have been on the slow internet trying to download patterns and their corresponding pictures of various things. I am getting really stressed because I want them to learn and understand everything, but there is so little time. 

In regards to gymnastics we really want to get a show together before I leave. We haven't started working on a routine yet...so we have a month to get performance ready. It is exciting, but very rushed at the same time. The children really love gymnastics and it seems like there is someone new every time. (Not all of the children come consistently though, so most of the time it feels like the same amount of kids).

I know Danae wants to do a children's church and is hoping the SMs will help. That means it will be before we leave. There is so much for me, and everyone else, to do and so little time. I have started many blogs, but haven't finished any. I really want to post pictures and have a lot to say, but I guess you might have to wait until I get back to hear all of my stories. I will hopefully finish some more posts very slowly and post them. However, just know that I am doing great now. I am just trying to enjoy every second I have left here.

Something Fishy is Happening

Something fishy is going on in Bere. I have decided to label it demon possession. Whether it is truly demon possession or not this situation still needs your prayers. More girls have been leaving school, and even coming to the hospital, due to demon possession. Honestly, at first I thought that many people were putting on a show for attention or to get out of tests. People love putting on shows here. 

For example, there was a woman in labor who refused to push. It was her first child. She had been fully dilated for hours and the baby made no progress. Everyone kept saying the baby wasn't coming because there wasn't enough room for its head to fit. But Danae knew what was truly going on. The woman wasn't pushing although she could push. We had to basically drag the woman to the OR and use forceps. It took 9 people to get the baby out. 7 or the 9 people were holding the woman down. Instead of pushing the baby out during contractions she would push the nurses and I away. In the end Danae and Dr. Bland pulled the baby out themselves because the woman didn't want to listen or help the process go faster. She had a fourth degree localized rip because she refused to push the baby out!! Basically her vagina and anus because one big hole!! I have never come across a more difficult patient in the duration of my trip!!

Anyways, back on track, there are no mental health institutes (or even psychologists) here or anywhere in Tchad. So we don't really know if it is show, truly demon possession, or a bad mental disorder. However, I honestly think that Esther has a demon.

We know, or at least think, Esther's is legit because she has snapped out of her episodes in time to take her exams. She has been able to take all her test this week. Also, her father is threatening to disown her because she is refusing to go to the traditional healer.  I don't think she would give up her family and a livelihood just for a little attention. She has also had episodes of extreme strength... It could still be a mental disorder, but I don't think it is. 

I thought the first few other girls were seeing the attention Esther was getting and wanted some attention too. Or they saw it as a reason to get out of tests. But more and more girls were rushed to the hospital because of demon possessions. Even girls from nearby public schools were coming to the hospital due to what we think were episodes due to demonic possession. In total, we had 16 girls sent to the hospital for demon possession and many more were sent home. The Adventist school even canceled school because there were so many people getting sick.

This is really affecting everyone around us. Girls are afraid to touch each other because they don't want to get possessed. They think that even with a simple handshake you can get possessed. The men think that they can touch the girls and won't get possessed, which is good. However, I think they believe only girls can get possess. I don't know what their reasoning is behind this thought. Also, this situation gives men even more reason to push women even lower and lower in society. Some say it is because the girls don't pray, or were weak?? Ugh...I was honestly too frustrated to fully listen and understand the reasoning behind all of the things said. 

All I know is this is bigger than people trying to get out of tests or seeking attention. I feel that the devil is at play in this situation although it doesn't sound like the typical demon possessions I have heard stories about in the past. A few had extra strength, and none of their voices changed. A few had to be held down, but many were walk or carried into the hospital. However, all of them were prayed for.

I think the devil knows his time is getting shorter and shorter. Therefore, he is working even harder to win more souls. Demonic possession isn't as frequent (or easily overlooked) in America. However, it is a very real and very big problem in Tchad. Because of this, I truly don't know what to do or say other then to pray for the girls. I hope you will continue to keep Bere and all of Tchad in your prayers as well.

Pray for Esther!

There is a girl at the Adventist school, Esther, who struggles with satanic possession. She has tried many things and can't seem to get ride of her demonic squatters. Just today she had an episode at school. She took off her clothes and ran around campus in her bra and underwear. Some of the staff saw what was taking place and tried to stop her. First, they had to chase after her all around campus. Then they had to hold her tight as they tried to talk to and pray for her. She was trying to wrench her arms from their grip. Esther ended up falling on the floor from fighting their grip.

In the end she snapped out of it. She even asked why the teachers had her on the ground although she was the one who got on the ground. She didn't remember anything about her episode. After hearing what had happened she thanked the teachers for praying for her. 

Esther realizes that pray is the only thing that can help her. All she can turn to is God. However, her family thinks she is crazy for trusting in the power of prayer. They want her to go to a witch doctor. Although Esther continues to refuse visiting the witch doctor her parents won't give up. They put various "remedies" they received from the witch doctor into her meals and drinks. She has to be very careful now and her prayers have become more intense.

Just like Esther, I and the other missionaries believe in the power of prayer. All of the missionaries have signed up for a hour slot to pray for Esther. That doesn't mean we are praying for her for a full hour. It just means that every hour God is hearing a plea for Esther from somebody's lips. I am hoping that even more people will start praying for her as well. That is why I am posting this blog. Please remember Esther and keep her in your prayers. 

Pray for Esther!

There is a girl at the Adventist school, Esther, who struggles with satanic possession. She has tried many things and can't seem to get ride of her demonic squatters. Just today she had an episode at school. She took off her clothes and ran around campus in her bra and underwear. Some of the staff saw what was taking place and tried to stop her. First, they had to chase after her all around campus. Then they had to hold her tight as they tried to talk to and pray for her. She was trying to wrench her arms from their grip. Esther ended up falling on the floor from fighting their grip.

In the end she snapped out of it. She even asked why the teachers had her on the ground although she was the one who got on the ground. She didn't remember anything about her episode. After hearing what had happened she thanked the teachers for praying for her. 

Esther realizes that pray is the only thing that can help her. All she can turn to is God. However, her family thinks she is crazy for trusting in the power of prayer. They want her to go to a witch doctor. Although Esther continues to refuse visiting the witch doctor her parents won't give up. They put various "remedies" they received from the witch doctor into her meals and drinks. She has to be very careful now and her prayers have become more intense.

Just like Esther, I and the other missionaries believe in the power of prayer. All of the missionaries have signed up for a hour slot to pray for Esther. That doesn't mean we are praying for her for a full hour. It just means that every hour God is hearing a plea for Esther from somebody's lips. I am hoping that even more people will start praying for her as well. That is why I am posting this blog. Please remember Esther and keep her in your prayers. 

Pastor Rich's Visit

I was able to see Pastor Rich this week. (For those of you that don't know who Pastor Rich is, he is my school chaplain and is also in charge of the SMs). It was a very short, but very fun visit. Although his ticket said he would be in Tchad for four days (5 depending on how you count the days), only one of those days was spent in Bere. 

It was women's day during his day visit. Therefore, he was able to see and do more then a typical Sabbath day. A woman preached in church, which is really rare/never happens in Tchad, and Danae bought presents for all the women in the congregation. The sad thing about Bere, or at least near the hospital, many people aren't very appreciative. Most women just took the gift and left without saying thank you. It was an expensive gift (for Tchad) and you would expect them to be more thankful. 

Thankfully, there were many gifts left over, so we went to the bush to pass out the left overs. We drove 5 or 6 km and began handing out the presents. You could really see the difference between people near the hospital and people in the bush. Everyone in the bush was very grateful. All the women said thank you multiple times. Some even shrilled and danced with excitement. 

After that experience Pastor Rich and I were suppose to go to a traditional party. I wanted him to see and try the traditional dances. Although I asked many times (and was told) wheter the festivities would be after sundown they weren't. By the time we returned from passing out the presents (basically sundown), the party was ending. But to make things more interesting there was an emergency operation that Pastor Rich was able to scrub in for. It was a strangulated hernia, and the perfect surgery for him to be a surgeon's aid.

Hernias are typically short and easy to do. So there wasn't to much stress about messing up or things going wrong. Pastor Rich did a wonderful job. He looked like a pro surgeon....well he looked like a pro if you didn't watch what he was doing with his hands. He was holding the clamps and compresses with confidence though. Overall I think Pastor Rich really enjoyed himself. We both had a great time. 

My Apologies

So...I have a lot of apologizing to do. Today I was approached about many things that I have done, written, or said. I was too close to circumstance or situations and I knew it too. Although I let things rest for a week or two I still wasn't able to see the full picture. Even now after being told about things it is hard for me to understand or fully grasp their meaning, although I am trying to. (Ok, let's be real, I knew that there was a problem with my writing because my mom called me out on it last week. However, I didn't realize how deep the problem really was until now. That is why I wrote the clarification post trying to remedy the situation and stuff like that. I should have approached it in a different way, and probably would have if I had heeded my mother's warning).

In regards to my blogs, I was writing how I speak. I say stuff to get it off my chest and then move on. However, I didn't think about how everyone could see what I have written. In my mind I was writing to close friends and family. They knew how I am and understood, why I said or wrote the things I did. (Although I'm sure the though that everyone could see it was somewhere in the back of my mind. However, I didn't give the thought much attention). Like I said, I say what I need to say to get things off my chest, and then move on. That isn't a good thing, even saying some of the things I wrote is bad in itself. Just yesterday Charis read a section of Steps to Christ to me and it really hit home. 

The passage talked about how you should be careful what you say out loud because Satan can take those doubts and use them against you. We have also been talking about not complaining. When I took the test to see how much I complained my results said that I complain a bit, but for the most part I was good. I don't know if I have been lying to myself or how I got those results. But I do know that I complain more than I realize and it is a problem. Yeah, I try not to dwell on the situation, but I still complain. Literally, last night I prayed to God to help me become more like him. I don't want to be known as a complainer or anything else that isn't in His likeness. I was having trouble sleeping because I was thinking about that and various other things. (I still went to sleep pretty early because I have had trouble sleeping lately). And when I woke up God started showing me all the things I need to change.

They are all connected in a way, so it seems like a lot to me. But it probably isn't as much work as I think it is. Anyways, one of my main problems was that I had a plank in my eye. I had more than a plank in my eye; my eyes were (and still are) plastered shut with cement. I don't know how I was able to find the speck in everyone else's eyes, but somehow I did. 

I have known that I have a really hard time getting my point across when I write. In my head I am writing one thing, but my audience is reading the total opposite of what I mean. Between my cemented eyes and unclear writing skills, I have lead everyone to believe that I am something I'm not. In the past I would never call myself prideful although I knew I wasn't totally humble. I would call myself a work in progress. Now I realize how prideful I truly am. I had to be slapped back to reality because I was too far gone to see the truth. 

I know I am being very vague right now, but every time I try to be more specific I start to cry. I'm usually not an emotional person, but I guess that is one of the many changes that took place during this trip. I cried so hard that I began sobbing and almost induced an asthma attack. I haven't done that since I was a kid... Anyways, the truth hurts, but it can also set you free. So, I have a lot of work to do now that I recognize my downfalls. If I have wronged you in any way I will seek you out to make things right. It wasn't my intention to hurt people, but I now realize I have. And for that I am truly sorry. 

PS: I have a lot of people to apologize to, so if I have wronged you in any way and haven't come to apologize please let me know. I don't want to overlook anyone. 

My Crazy Vacation

Danae and Olen gave us a week off for a vacation. They said that most SMs get really homesick and run down around this time of year. Therefore, they are trying something new to help the SMs make it to the end of their trip. 

We had full rein for where we wanted to go and what we wanted to do during our vacation. There aren't many options in Tchad. There was either Moundou, N'Djamena, or Zakouma, which is the only national park in Tchad. Zakouma is a really expensive trip so we narrowed it down to N'Djamena and Moundou. In the end the guys decided they wanted to go to N'djamena while the girls went to Moundou. 

My vacation week was very interesting. Before leaving for Moundou we decided to go to the grand marché. It was a very new and interesting experience. Naomi was with acting as our tour guide. She showed us where we could find everything in the market and explained what everything was. After looking around for a bit we stopped by the delegate's house to wash our feet and get water. The delegate was very generous and let me buy an axe from him. No one had seen an ax carved in that fashion and the guy who carved it had died. It was a very special ax.

Moundou was crazy! Tammy and Jaime were planning on going to Moundou the same day as Charis and I, so they drove us down. We went around and shopped with each other and filled the pick up to the brim with souvenirs and stuff for the hospital. Then after lunch at the Gardener's house Tammy and Jamie took all that we bought home with them. (The Gardeners, Scott and Becky, are the new doctors at the Adventist hospital in Moundou. They let us stay on their compound for free and made sure we had everything we needed).

We ate a full pizza the first meal then got egg sandwiches and drank two smoothies the next. Honestly, the only reason we went to Moundou was to eat. There is no cheese, eggs, or smoothies in Bere. (Well there are smoothies in Bere, but they are giardia flavored). We ate anything and everything that Bere didn't have to offer. We went to the Coton Tchad club, which had a tennis court, free internet, and a swimming pool (that wasn't filled with water yet). There were a lot of non-Tchadians there and I had slight culture shock. 

Charis and I walked to the market for a second look. Everyone was staring at us and honking trying to get our attention. We are always show stopper in Tchad. However, we just ignored the men and enjoyed the walk. They are like annoying flies to us. At one point a teenage boy tried to steal money from Charis. 

We were looking at shoes in the market and he acted like he was trying to pick up shoes that were right in front of Charis' purse. I told Charis to watch out and snatched her purse out the way. I gave the boy a dirty look and we quickly walked off before he could try anything else. He was shock that a nasara caught him. 

Moundou is a crazy city! It is the second largest city in Tchad and you have to be wary of everyone. It is the total opposite of Bere. Once in a while you hear about someone stealing something, but in Moundou if they aren't thieves then they cheat you with inflated prices or bad products. It is a very sad, but true reality. 

We decided to take a clando back to the hospital. (A clando is a motorcycle taxi). Both Charis and I hopped on the back of the moto and settled down. We drove for 3 seconds and were hailed by an officer. The officer was on a moto too and riding next to us. He was speaking very quickly and I didn't know what he was saying. The clando driver responded very short to the police man and took off. 

He was weaving through traffic and kept looking back to see if the police man was chasing after him. Every time he looked back we almost crashed. I was holding a souvenir gourd basket in my hand and almost hit multiple pedestrians and motorcyclists with it. I tried my best to move it out of the way, but there was no where to put it. Both Charis and I were just screaming and trying to find anything and everything to hang on too. It felt like we were in Fast and Furious or Need for Speed. Maybe it was more like turbo; we were the snail trying to avoid the big cars.

Praise God we made it to the hospital safely! We paid the man and quickly ran into the compound. We weren't sure if the police man was after us or the clando driver. Later Becky told us the officer was trying to stop us because there were three people on the moto. You are only allowed to ride two people per moto. That is a rule in Bere too, but they aren't as strict as in Moundou. We ride three on a moto all the time, so we didn't realize that's what the police officer was trying to say. 

Another thing Becky told us was that she felt impressed to pray for us during that moment. She didn't know why, but she sent up a prayer for us anyways. God put a hedge of protection around us and sent many angels down from heaven to protect us during our flight. Praise God!

The power of pray is amazing. Although prayers don't change God's mind it can change your mind. And from there you can change things. Prayer does internal work. I like how Oswald Chambers describes it in his book If You Will Ask. He compares prayer to falling in love. The circumstances are the same, but they way you think about the person has changed. I know both Charis and I were definitely praying on the moto. After talking to Becky about our experience we started talking about how powerful the situation was. Things really hit home after that experience. I know you probably don't understand unless something similar happened to you, but prayer is a powerful thing. It reveals the character of God. If we were less me-centered when we pray and ask for the life of God in us imagine what a blessing our life would be. The changes prayers like that would bring would be incredible! I know it is against our "natural tendencies" and will be hard. However, based on this experience and the little taste of what prayer can do I know that it is worth it. 

Another blessing during our vacation was we ran into the accountants of Bere hospital at the Adventist hospital in Moundou. It turns out they were leaving the same day as us. Therefore, we were able to travel with each other back to Bere, help translate things and ensure our safety. Honestly, it was a bigger blessing then I thought it was.

Charis and I weren't really sure whether it was better to take a car taxi or the bus. Honestly, we didn't even know were the taxi and bus station was. We were just going to ask the clando man where to go and hope it was the right place. Once we figured out which form of transportation to take, we planned to take clandos from Kelo to Bere. (All transportation stops in Kelo, which is about a hour away from Bere. So you have to find someone in specific that is willing to drive you the rest of the way). That was the plan Charis and I had. Now let me explain what really happened, and why it was a major blessing having the accountants with us. 

There were no buses leaving at the time we needed, so we had to find a car taxi. However, there were none there. Hwamo, one of the accountants, called his goto taxi driver who drove us to Kelo. We were squeezed into the car. The four of us were in back, while three other random people were crammed into the front. (Hwamo is easily 6' 5" and he had no leg room. I don't know how he made it through the 2 hour car drive).

As soon as stepped out of the car (in Kelo) we were swamped by people. Most of them were clando drivers, but all of them men seeking an American wife. Hwamo quickly found us another car to take us to Bere and rushed us into it. (If you haven't noticed Hwamo was Mr. bossman). We were sitting in the car for 15 minutes baking in the heat because the driver wasn't ready to go. Everyone wanted to get into our business. The clando drivers were trying to get us to take motos instead of the car for cheaper, or they were trying to talk to Charis and I. 

At one point they opened the car door and were tell me to get out. (I was on the end, Charis was in the middle, and Jacque, the other accountant, was on the other end). I didn't know what to do. Jacque reached across the car and pulled the door shut for me. I quickly locked the door. After that people reached their arms through the front window attempting to unlock my door. I had to put my hand over the lock and smack people's hands away. Finally, Hwamo got really frustrated and said something to all the men. I don't know what he said, but somehow he got all the men to go away! Then Hwamo said something to the driver and he reluctantly came to drive us to Bere. Sigh...all I can say is praise God Charis and I didn't have to travel alone.  God is continually working in my life to keep me safe, and I know he is doing the same in yours as well. 

Quick update on the yeast infection clinic!

God has blessed me with generous friends and family. I have received over $300 in donations. Naomi and I were able to do more than we ever dreamed of doing with the money. The yeast infection clinic use to be run out of Naomi's house after the missionary couple left. People would come knocking on her door at various hours of the day (and night) pleading her for treatment. She would invite them in, give them food and a place to stay on top of medication. It was a nice thing to do, but it intruded on Naomi's life and the lives of her children. She and her kids would accommodate for whoever showed up, which meant less sleep and comfort for them. 

Thankfully, we had enough money to build a building for the infection clinic all because of your donations. It is still near Naomi's house, however, the patient, Naomi, and her family can all be comfortable now. We were able to buy enough supplies and natural remedies to treat hundreds of people. From huge cases of vinegar and syringes to citron trees, we have all that we need for infection clinic can be self-sustaining.

The building is still in construction, but pictures are soon to follow this post. Once it is finished I will post pictures of the building itself and the many other things your donations have provided. We are now able to brainstorm of ways to help people who can't pay for the treatment and ways to teach prevention. There are many people who have yeast infections that are embarrassed to seek help. We are brainstorming how to reach those people as well. 

For example, after one of our health lectures in the bush our CHWs (community health workers) and TBAs (traditional birth attendants) approached us. One of the CHWs asked us why his wife seems to be infertile after she stopped taking contraceptives. They have been trying to have children for two years now without results. I replied that there can be many reasons why they are unable to have children. Therefore, they should ask the doctors for more specifics. However, I listed a few things that can cause infertility in women and men. One of the things I listed was infections. 

I quickly explained how infections can add many complications to pregnancies and other simple concept they may have not known. It turned out that his wife seemed to be suffering from yeast infections, therefore the CHW probably had a yeast infection too. Naomi and I told him to come for treatment and thanked him for his honesty. We explained how many people are embarrassed and don't want to talk about things like that. Because they keep their mouths shut they are never able to fix the problem they have been suffering with. I told the CHWs and TBAs to try and keep their ears to the ground for people with medical problems they aren't addressing.

After my comment about people being embarrassed about their medical problems, genital problems in specific, one person after another admitted that they had a problem as well. The whole group, 8 people in total, were struggling with yeast infections. If all the workers in that quartier (small district in Bere) had yeast infections you can imagine how many people in the community have the same problem. Your donations are helping to change many people's lives. 

Saturday Night Activities

This weeks Saturday night activity was to catch two guinea hens. Allah's family moved off of the compound for reasons I rather not get into. (Allah is one of the Bere boys, and his father use to work in the hospital. His father was the administrator, so that is why they lived in the compound). They took all their belongings, including the animals with them. However, they couldn't catch two of their guinea hens. They told the Parkers the only way to catch them was to kill them. So, Tammy gave us orders to attack and take no prisoners after they gave her permission to kill them. (Tammy was fed up with the guinea hens because they were eating the roses in her garden). 

So the Bere boys and SMs armed themselves with slingshots and rocks of various sizes and got to work. We were only able to find one of the two guinea hens. You could tell that the guinea hen had a premonition it was about to die because it flew as high as it could into a mango tree. (Honestly, I didn't realize guinea hens could fly that high. They are like prettier, more annoying chickens in my eyes).

We began pelting the hen with stones to try and knock it out of the tree. No matter how many times it was hit with stones, it would not get out of the tree. We felt sorry for the guinea hen, but it was a known fact that if we were to wait for it to come down we would never be able to find it again. This was our only chance. 

We were outside slinging rocks at the guinea hen for almost an hour. It was a dark night, so we used the night guards mini spotlight to see the hen. There were many false hopes as the guinea hen was knock lower  and lower. However, it refused to come down. The hen rather be hit with stones then killed; it was holding onto the branches for dear life. 

In the end we were able to knock it out of the tree, and chased it around the compound. Allah caught the guinea hen and bound its feet. The only sign of the attack the guinea hen had was a small little scrap on his wing. It was amazing how after being hit by so many rocks the hen hardly had a mark on it. So, thankfully, we didn't have to kill the guinea hen. It was able to go to its new home.

 After the arm exercise the SMs decided to watch Pocahontas. So we popped some popcorn and had a great time watching the Disney classic. During the whole movie we cracked jokes about how it would be if the movie was about Tchad instead of native Americans. We realized that Tchadian Pocahontas would be really similar to the original version of the movie. 

******SIDE NOTE: Things are better between the guys and I. I don't know if the tension and everything else I was feeling was only in my head, or we settled our differences. Most likely I was just really annoyed about how I was treated during my sickness and my frustrations/annoyances were still plaguing me. 

Working With My Host Dad

This week I had the opportunity to work in the laboratory. That is where my host dad works and so he showed me the ropes. Basically, the week was bittersweet. Hardly anyone in labs spoke English, and my French is a work in progress. Therefore, I sat there quietly most of the time. (I am still really timid about speaking French).

My host dad did a really good job of explaining what everything was and how to do things. Honestly, it was nothing exciting like in the OR. I just looked at malaria smears and poop all day long. And if I wasn't doing that then I was cleaning slides. However, I still had fun. 

It is more relaxed in labs. The workers sit back, talk, and have a great time. I wish I knew enough French to join in the laughs. Although it was hard to communicate they ensured I knew how much they appreciated me being there. They made certain that I went to eat lunch, and basically kicked me out of labs by three because I did a lot of work already. Everyone would tell me good job, and were very encouraging. Therefore, other then the very mundane work day, I still had a good time.

Of course I more exposed working in labs. Every patient has to go to labs at some point and time. So, I was being hit on the whole time by some of the patients. Even one of the workers put a great deal of effort to communicate with me and hardly did any work. He added me on Facebook, then proceeded to look through all my pictures. I never thought I would be so embarrassed by my knees showing in a picture. I was mortified when he saw pictures of me in shorts. Culture shock has hit me hard. I am less worried about cleavage and more worried about how my knees show once in awhile. 

I also had many people tell me I should stay longer, and had a wonderful lecture about marriage. A patient argued his case for why it is better to have more then one wife, and why I should get married in Tchad. He told me that I need to learn French quick or else I won't be able to find a good husband... Things were very awkward from time to time.

On top of labs I had a wonderful time at gymnastics. This new kid is attending and he is amazing. He can hold a handstand for over 20 seconds and can do a back walkover by himself. He is the best one in the class by far. He even shows me some moves and makes me try them. Basically, he is teaching me how to breakdance. I never expected to learn that here. So now it is a gymnastics break dancing group. I hope we can get a show together before I leave so I can show you a video of all our hard work.

It is crazy to think that I am only here for 8 more weeks. At times I feel like it is a very long time and I can't wait for it to be over. But, for the most part, I hate to see it end. Things are getting better and better and I am loving things more and more. I feel like I have so much more I want to do and very little time to do it in. I have truly become attached to this place.

******TOUCHING MOMENT OF THIS WEEK: One of the kids in my old English class stopped me and asked why I wasn't teaching anymore. They miss me teaching English, but are happy they get to hang out with me at gymnastics still. 

Clarification

****WARNING: For all of the newer readers this may come across in the wrong light. I don't mean for this blog to sound like I am complaining about various situations. I have written blogs in the past about different situations and realized that they lacked vital detail, or needed to be clarified and/or updated. Therefore, I have written the titles of the old blogs at the beginning of each corresponding paragraph to help you fully grasp the purpose of this post. I am truly enjoy this experience and have been blessed in many ways along the way. I know there will be many more blessings during the remainder of my trip as well. 

I have never blog about my new tasks for the remaining of this trip, and also how things are between me and the other missionaries. I know I have blogged here and there about the missionaries, but I realize I haven't been very clear about things. Hopefully this blog with clear some of the muddied water. 

[Let's Be Real and Suffocated]: First off my relations with the SMs are up in the air. (The SMs are Josh, Daniel, and Jonny). Jonny has left to work at the hospital in Mondou, so there isn't much communication with him. Ever since I got sick things have drastically changed between Josh, Daniel, and I.  It is so awkward that I just keep to myself now. When we are in the SM hut at the same time I put in my headphones and shove my face into a book. I rarely have conversations with them, the only time we talk is when there are other people present. It is really uncomfortable, but I am now getting the alone time I was wanting. (Let's be real the situation is really annoying, but maybe it is a blessing in disguise. Or this could be totally in my head. Everything could be peachy keen on their end and I am misconstruing things). 

[Power Complex]: Zach and Charis are chill. Actually Charis and I have been getting really close. Charis is the main one I hang out with. Our personalities aren't the best match, but we are figuring things out. I don't know if she is having less power complex moments, or if I am just getting use to it. However, things are good either way. 

[Return of the Netteburgs]: Danae and Olen have been great. After hearing all of the horror stories I was really surprised how much I like them. They are really kind and funny. Many SMs walk in with an entitlement complex and they are fed up with it. I don't think I have that complex, so things are great between us. Olen and I get along the best. He and I have very similar sense of humors. While I work in the OR he cracks jokes and picks on me while he teaches me about the procedures that are taking place. (Olen calls me the Fulani doctor because everyone thinks I am Fulani or Arab because of my complexion. I have a little more milk in my chocolate. He always comes to me and has me diagnose the patient. He says if my recommendation is wrong then he will send the angry patients to yell at me. He also lets me do random cool/nasty things like lancing a babies head or pushing a guys rectum back into his butt). Danae is a great teacher and very understanding about things. She lets me do a lot of things in the OR like suturing the patient, and is teaching me how to do vaginal exams. Sometimes I feel that Danae is holding things in and not saying everything that I feel she should say, but it hasn't caused any problems yet. Hopefully, it won't cause any problems in the future either.

So, basically, I mentally prepared for hell with the doctors and bliss with the SMs, but things are almost completely the opposite. (Or so it seems).  I work three days a week in the hospital and love every minute of it. Every Wednesday and Thursday evening I go to the bush and give public health lectures to the villagers. Monday and Wednesday mornings are dedicated to malnourished children and mothers in the baby formula program. (The program is for mothers with lactation problems or AIDS and children whose mother's have died). We feed the children nutritious buille, which is like a porridge, and play with them for a bit. I teach the people in the baby formula program how to crochet and sew different trinkets that are in turn sold to help fund the program. Tuesdays and Thursdays are still gymnastics days.

I decided to stop teaching English. After being sick for a month and not teaching I wasn't too excited about teaching again. I loved the children and teaching, but I felt I wasn't giving it my all anymore. Josh heard me slightly complaining about teaching and offered to teach my classes. It was hard for me to let go of my classes, but it was an offer I couldn't refuse. So now Josh teaches all of the English classes and I took over Sabbath school. I have more creative juices for Sabbath school, but I couldn't seem to get the juices flowing for English. 

I am currently looking for another translator. It is hard to find another Naomi. She is so busy with other jobs that she can't help me with my new program. It is a small business program for anyone who is in extreme poverty. I want to go out and talk with the villagers, one on one. I want to hear their stories and understand their struggles. If I am able to think of a way to help them with their predicament then I do. Danae received a large donation just for this. We want to give out purses with business starting tools in it and train the recipient how to start a thriving business. It is like that quote, "give the man a fish and he is full for one day, but teach him how to fish and he will be full for a lifetime." We want to teach them how to provide for themselves so they won't be dependent. All I need is a translator and the program will be up and running. Pray that I will be able to find the perfect translator for this job. It is hard enough to find a translator, but finding a good one is even harder. 

Back to Work

Finally I was able to have a full day in the hospital. For the past month I would almost pass out in the hospital, or would be so out of it I couldn't even go to work. However, now I am in good health and was able to learn a lot. First, I did rounds with Dr. Bland. There were so many things to see . . .

There was a little boy with a tumor protruding from his right eye. He also had another tumor coming out of the right side of his neck. They are giving him medication to help prevent tumor growth, but there are mixed feelings about operating. You never know how bad the medical problems are here. You base everything off of the little you can see and feel. It is a known fact that the little boy will die. He will die from the tumor if they don't operate, but he also has a really high chance of dying on the table if they do operate. We will see what happens, but as of now they aren't going to operate. 

There was also this guy with a huge abbess in his lower abdomen. Dr. Bland had already lanced it open the day before, but he didn't get all the puss out. So, we squeezed and pushed all of the puss out. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen! A ton of puss had already come out, then decay and rotten tissue had to be pulled out of the wound. After we pulled out the tissue more puss came gushing out of the wound. Disgusting!! Yet really interesting to see.

After rounds we started operating. Danae had me scrub up for a hysterectomy. The lady had a polyp or a cyst in her vagina, which was sticking out of her cervix. She already had over 10 kids and didn't want anymore, so the easiest way to fix the problem was to take the whole uterus out. We weren't sure if the mass was cancerous or not. 

I was really nervous about scrubbing in because last time I almost passed out while I was scrubbed in and the patient was a bleeder. I had felt a little faint the day before and didn't want to have another scare. So Danae had one of the visiting German doctors scrub in with us. During the operation I had to sit down twice because I was feeling faint. However, this time I didn't run off to go lay down. I was determined to make it through. 

After talking about how I was feeling and postulating why it was happening Danae pointed out it might be the heat. (I knew for a fact that it wasn't the blood). Although there is A/C in the OR it is very weak and almost useless. However, it is still very much appreciated. I guess I have a low heat tolerance. I will be perfectly fine for the first hour of surgery, but I quickly go down hill after that. 

Danae explained how she was the same way and you get can get used to the heat. It was a relief to hear that. She told me stories about her struggles to get through it and was really patient with me. (She was also faint with blood). Now that we know what my problem is, we can work to fix it. Honestly, it doesn't help that the so-called easy surgeries I scrub in for are much harder then expected. First with the 4cm cystectomy that was really around 2 1/2 in and then with this operation. Her uterus was fused to its surroundings, so the operation took close to 3 hours to complete. 

Anyways, long story short, although I was faint off and on Danae still allowed me to do many things. She let me suture the fascia and subcutaneous layer of the hysterectomy patient. It was great! I learned a lot. If I wasn't scrubbed in then Olen had medical books out teaching me different things about sutures, anesthesia, or the operation that was currently taking place. I hope I have more days like this.

Things are Looking Up

***I wrote this February 2, 2014, but I got sick and had no internet access. So I was unable to post it until now.

After my let's be real rant, I had a wonderful day. I felt like I got everything off my chest and out in the open. I felt great! I had no maladies and high energy. Throughout the day I had many happy and/or inspirational thoughts I wanted to blog about. I worked all day and had no time to write, so I planned to write them that night. I continued to repeat the thoughts in my mind to keep things fresh and flowing. 

That afternoon I got my malaria results. (It took long enough right?) It was positive, 0.05%. This was my first time with a positive test. The guys were finally able to stop joking about me having sickle cell, or the sickle cell trait. That was the only explanation they could think of for why I hadn't gotten malaria yet. 

I begged Olen not to give me quinine for two weeks, which is the usual dosage for a relapse on quinine. The only other medicine I could take was mefloquine, because I had the allergic reaction to malarone. (Malarone is also a weaker malarial medicine). I didn't know much about mefloquine other then it makes you crazy. To be specific you could hallucinate and/or have nightmares. I figured because you only have to take one dose of mefloquine it couldn't be worse then quinine. Boy was I wrong.  

I was out for a week! I had to take doxycycline (doxy) for two weeks after taking the one dose of mefloquine. I am use to taking doxy. I have been taking doxy for 80% of this trip because of the scalp infection that won't seem to go away. 

The combination of doxy and mefloquine was torture. I felt just as bad as I did on quinine, but 24/7. Typically with quinine you feel decent during the days and horrible at night. I longed for a break, even a second of peace would be welcomed. Sadly, the side effects never gave way. Here are the list of side effects for mefloquine and doxy, I starred everything I was tortured with at some point and time during my sickness:

Doxycycline:

*diarrhea

*itching of the rectum or vagina

sore mouth

Some side effects can be serious. If you experience any of these symptoms, call your doctor immediately:

*severe headache

*blurred vision

skin rash

hives

*difficulty breathing or swallowing

redness of the skin (sunburn)

yellowing of the skin or eyes

*itching

*dark-colored urine

*light-colored bowel movements

*loss of appetite

*upset stomach

*vomiting

*stomach pain

*extreme tiredness or weakness

confusion

*decreased urination

Mefloquine:

*nausea

*vomiting

*diarrhea

*stomach pain

*loss of appetite

*muscle pain

*dizziness

*loss of balance

*ringing in ears

*headache

*sleepiness

*difficulty falling or staying asleep

*unusual dreams

Some side effects can be serious. The following symptoms are uncommon, but if you experience any of them, call your doctor immediately:

*tingling in your fingers or toes

*difficulty walking

seizures

*shaking of arms or legs that you cannot control

nervousness or extreme worry

*depression

*changes in mood

panic attack

*forgetfulness

confusion

*hallucinations (seeing things or hearing voices that do not exist)

violent behavior

losing touch with reality

feeling that others want to harm you

thoughts of hurting or killing yourself

A lot of the side effects overlapped, however, I still had almost every side effect possible. To make things worse, I had to retake the doxy every time I threw up my medicine. I had to keep it down for an hour minimum or else I would be put on IV quinine. Mefloquine was still in my system. I didn't want to add quinine to my cocktail of misery. So I would take the doxy, clench my jaw, and pray that I wouldn't throw up again. I prayed without ceasing that I wouldn't have to take IV quinine. 

I lost so much wight that my pelvis was protruding when I laid down. The more I moved, the more dizzy I got. The more dizzy I got, the more nauseous I would get. (You can finish that chain of events). I would sit and stare at anything and everything. I didn't want to move, and I couldn't sleep although I was exhausted. I got around 3 hours of sleep the first two nights I was sick. 

All I wanted to do was lay on the floor. So, I stayed in my oven-like mud hut and stared at the roof. I didn't have a shower or a toothbrush at my hut. They were all at the SM hut. I attempted to go to the SM hut...it was a horrible decision. I felt even worse, and I rather have been alone then with the unsympathetic missionaries. (They were basically making fun of me for being so sick...it was the same as last time, but this time I felt even worse and didn't want to put up with it). I sat to regain my composure and a bit of energy, then stumbled back to my hut. Praise God I don't live that far away.

Throughout all of my struggle I wasn't mad or frustrated. (At least not as bad as last time). Yeah, at first I was a little depressed because of the medicine. I would be sitting around staring at nothing in particular and realize I was crying. I wasn't thinking of anything and had no reason to cry. I didn't know why I was crying, or how to stop it. All I knew was that I wasn't sad. 

Even though I didn't write the inspirational blog, I inspired myself. I was at perfect peace with my situation. I would analyze the situation to try and learn what I could do to make my sickness better. I figured out the foods I could keep down, and the foods that made me vomit. I found the perfect positions to lay in, which helped me fight the constant urge to vomit. And best of all, I was able to enjoy God's wonderful creations. 

I would lay outside in the shade of my hut watching the clouds, or be entertained by our animals during the hottest parts of the day. (We have 4 sheep, ducks, pigeons, and very mean chickens). I could watch the sunset and star gaze in the evenings and nights. It was wonderful. The wind drying the sweat on my body cooled me during the day. The stored heat would rise from the ground and warm me during the cool nights. 

Although I was sick, yet again, I wasn't discouraged. I'm doing fine. maybe the inspirational thoughts will come back so I can let you know what inspired me. However, after 8 days of medicinal side effects I don't remember it, and honestly don't feel the drive to write it down. Just know that things are looking up.

Most nights I couldn't sleep. At first I would hate it. I would listen to music to pass the time because I couldn't read. (Reading made me dizzy). Basically, there was nothing to do, but think. I had a full week to myself to be (mostly) alone and think. I thought through most of my life and talked to God. I began to enjoy the late nights because it was only God and I. Ya, I felt the side effects of the medication worse the next day because I had no sleep and wasn't eating, but I didn't mind.

***FAVORITE MOMENT WHILE I WAS SICK: Staring at Orion's belt (the constellation) telling Christ I can't wait for His return, and thinking about how wonderful it will be. 

Let's Be Real

***I wrote this January 29, 2014, but I got sick and had no internet access. So I was unable to post it until now.

I am sick again. Last week Tuesday I had almost passed out while working in the hospital. I was really pale and sweaty and my blood pressure was lower then usual. This Tuesday the same thing happened. Only this time I was scrubbed in. I was helping Danae with a surgery. There was a bleeder and Danae was trying locate where it was bleeding from.  My job was to move everything out of the way so she could see. Sounds simple right? Well that was when I started to go downhill. I was leaning against the patient because I could hardly stand, and was breathing really hard. I started to sweat bullets. I told Danae I was feeling bad, but tried to hang in there until the end. There was no one else who could take my spot.  

I had spoken to Danae earlier about feeling sick. All the horrible symptoms I had when I got malaria returned  yesterday (Monday). The sever body aches, the headache, everything.  It started off slow then quickly started to progress. I basically slept all day. In the end I admitted to myself that I probably relapsed. (I took quinine so I wouldn't relapse, but God is the only infallible thing in life). I decided that I would take the malaria test the next day (Tuesday) because the lab was closed.

The next morning, Tuesday morning, all of my malaria symptoms were gone except for the headache. This was weird because if I had malaria I should be feeling worse the next day, not better. This made me question if the first time was actually malaria, or a weird instance like now. That's the only reason I went to work in the hospital. I was feeling fine. When I told Danae what had happened the day before she said if I get a fever to go get tested for malaria. Other then that I should be fine.

The ovarian cystectomy I scrubbed in for was suppose to be a quick and easy surgery. That is why Danae asked me to scrub in. She wanted me to get experience. However, the 4cm cyst was 2 1/2in minimum. We didn't have the right tools, and there was no way of getting them. We had to use what we had. So, we were already in a bind when my health problems made it worse. 

Long story short, I stayed scrubbed in until Danae could finish the rest of the surgery by herself. Then I quickly left to go lay down. Everyone was staring at me because I was really pale and I had blood on my scrubs from the surgery. They didn't know what to think. 

After laying down for an hour I was feeling a little better. I wasn't feeling faint anymore, but I was really fatigued. I went to get tested and did the bare minimum for the rest of the day. For example, I went to gymnastics but I had one of the Bere boys spot for me. (When I say spot I mean make sure that the kids don't fall and hurt themselves). I showed him how to do it with the first person in line then had him do it to the rest of the children. 

By the end of the day I was exhausted and really nauseous. I was afraid I would faint or throw up if I kept moving. However, I needed to get my results for the malaria test. I asked one of the SMs to get it for me and  he said no. I asked another SM and got the same response. No one would get the test for me! I sat there for 10 minutes trying to gain energy to walk to the hospital, then left. (The hospital was next door. It wasn't  that far).

I went the Urgence and they didn't have my results. I went to the lab to see if they had my result and no one was there. (This was after I was told that the lab was now open 24/7). I was hot and sweaty by this point. I prepared to drop at any moment. Thank God I didn't. I made it back to the SM hut and sat down feeling even  worse by that point. I was so annoyed and fed up I started packing up my things to leave early. 

Anyways, I still don't know what I have and still feel horrible. I am sorry my past blogs have been so depressing, but things are getting pretty hard out here. I could take the health problems and the hardship Tchadian culture brings, but the SMs and missionaries are a different story. They flew around half of the world to come and serve people, but they are only serving themselves. They couldn't even take 3 minutes out of their night to get my test results. I know I have blogged before about the lack of missionary spirit and feeling extremely suffocated here, but things are only getting worse. 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right. I don't feel like I will die from this sickness...once I figure out what it is...so I guess I will be stronger. I just have to keep reminding myself to never fall to that level. Multiple times I have gone to get their test results when they were sick. I have slept on the floor for 3 nights next to one of the Project 21 leader when she got sick. I plan to continue to do the same thing.  

All in all, I titled my blog "Let's Be Real" for a reason. (Well, I had help from my friends. They came up with the name and I fell in love with it. It is one of the phrases I say all the time). I knew that there would be a lot of good during this trip along with the bad. I wanted to write about both. I wanted people to know the full story about SMing. Everyone comes back with all these amazing stories, or they completely hated it. There was no middle ground. I am trying to keep it 100%. I want to be transparent. I am speaking my mind. 

I know that right now many of my blogs seem to be negative. That is because things are starting to get really hard out here. Like I said, I feel I could deal with the sicknesses and the Tchadian hardships, however, sometimes the SMs and missionaries are a challenge. 

Truthfully, I am staying because I came to help the people of Bere in any way I could. I can't let anything detour me from my goal. Seeing how happy my students are when I walk into the classroom, or the children who come running when I start gymnastics keeps me going. How everyone thanks us multiple times for our health lectures, or how my host children run out to greet me as I come home from work. I can't even begin to explain how thankful Naomi and her yeast infection clinic are for the help. I can't let the missionaries stop me from bring the blessing God has planned for these people. I know I was brought here for a reason, and plan to stay and see that that reason is fulfilled. 

In short, I am sorry for all the negative posts, I want to make sure everyone understand the good and bad the mission field has to offer an how important it is to stay focused. I don't mean to scare people off, but I do want to prepare them. I want future SMs to be prepared for hardships so they won't want to leave. I want them to be firmly planted in God and His word so that no matter what they come up against they will be ready to take on anything and everything that is thrown at them. And for those who don't want to be missionaries, but support the mission field, I want them to fully understand what missionaries have to go through. Yes, we need monetary support as well as other donations, but we truly need your prays. Things can get really tough, and no matter how much money is donated, or medical and school supplies are given, only God can help us through.

"There is great need of workers, and there are many ways in which they can labor. There is work for those in the higher, as well as in the more humble positions. But we want none to come out to this field who have not a high sense of what it means to be a missionary. Individually, all need a heart work. A good work cannot be done by the human agent alone. For the full development and efficiency of the intellectual as well as the spiritual powers, there is, there must be, a vital connection with God, a communion with the highest source of activity. Then with the soul all aglow with zeal for the Master, we can be a blessing to others." – Ellen G. White {MMis December 1, 1892 Par. 11}

Pray for Tammy!

An extra 25 nasaras came to Béré for the celebration of the new nursing school. There were already 35 nasaras from Maranatha here because they were building the school. 55 people made things a little to hectic, not to mention that I was sick with malaria during this time.  We had cleaned the compound from top to bottom and run back and forth to decorate everything. The most important people in Béré were coming to this celebration and we had to ensure everything was in its right place.

Tammy was on edge. Charis and I were sitting in her house tying ribbons on the balloons as she let off some steam. Maranatha was hard to deal with, but what set her over the top was the Adventist school. After all the blood sweat and tears she has put into the school, some of the teachers want to sue her.  

She had accused the former principle of secondary school and one other person of stealing. Tammy says she knows she was right, without a shadow of a doubt. There was 600,000cfa ($1,200) missing from the school account and there were only two men that were in charge of, and had access to the money. She even had a Chadian auditor from N'Djamena come to look over the accounts. He came to the same conclusion. The former principle was demoted, but he received the same salary he had before. It was like he was being rewarded! He had less work to do and he was getting the salary of a principle. The school was practically paying for two principals. 

In short the former principal is suing Tammy for slandering his name and the principal of the primary school is suing too! It is very surprising that the primary principal is suing Tammy as well. Tammy has invested a lot into his career and personal life. She paid for him to leave Béré to finish his schooling, and he was able to keep his job after the long absence. She has also loaned him money when he went through a rough patch and needed the loan. It makes no sense why he is suing, but it really hurts Tammy.

When I first came to Béré Tammy had stepped back from the school. She made a deal with God. If no one came to her and talked to her about the school then she wouldn't return to her position. Even after a close friend said she would talk to the school faculty about not talking to her no one came. However, Tammy still went back. A close family friend Valery had returned to work at the school. She thought that maybe God wanted her to wait for him to return so she would have a friend in the schooling system.  

Currently, Tammy is feeling like she should have never returned to the school. She wouldn't be going through all of this craziness if she hadn't returned. She is thinking of stepping back from the school once again. When she agreed to return to the schools he made demands that had to be met. One was to take the secondary principal out of his position and another was to get a Bible teacher.  The school demoted the principal, but never got the Bible teacher.  How can the school call itself an Adventist school without teaching Bible or a religion class in general? This school is just like any other school: very corrupt and doesn't teach anything spiritual.

It would be easy for Tammy to step back because her demands were never met. However, she wants to do what the Lord wants her to do. Her heart is with the school. She hates the drama, but loves helping the children.  The children are who keep her motivated to continue to better the schooling system.  She is at the point where she will step back if she needs too, but she wants to ensure that is what God wants.  She is having trouble deciphering God's will and doesn't know what to do. Please pray for her.  

Question

The struggles, suffering, and strife continue in my life. I have had many good moments, such as Zach and Danae's birthday parties, or times that have positively impacted my life; like meeting a guy who survived the vicious war 30 years ago in Tchad AND leoparsy. But, for the most part, I feel like my fire for God has greatly diminished. Typically I have a lot to say about God or life in general. However, currently I struggle to find the right words to say. I usually struggle writing blogs and now I can't think of topics to write about on top of not wanting to write. 

Things have taken place at home (in America), which I had no power to prevent, but I wasn't able to be there for my family either.  I know they don't hold it against me but . . . sigh . . . I don't even know where I am going with this. Let's be real, this isn't even the point of this blog. I have been trying not to dwell on the negatives. As Ellen G. White says, "In this world we might become hopelessly perplexed, as the devil wants us to be, if we keep looking upon those things that are perplexing; for by dwelling upon them, and talking of them, we become discouraged." Therefore, I'm not going to blog about the many things that have been perplexing me. 

The point of this blog is to ask a question. How can you tell you are on the path God wants you to be on and  are therefore being attacked by Satan, or if you are completely off track and the hardships you face are the repercussions of your bad choice(s)? Between Tammy's questions due to her struggles and my personal strife this seems to be the underlying problem. We don't know which path we are on. 

I realize you have to know God's will to truly know the answer to that question. That is easier said then done. I read Paster Rich's devotional this past week based on Romans 12. If we follow the guidelines in that chapter we will be more like Christ and therefore know His will. It is like a checklist with around 30 points that need to be checked off. 

I feel like I have been trying to do that. I have even made progress, however, I haven't check off the whole list yet. So, what do you do before you get to the point where you know God's will? Prayer and fasting? Even after diligent prayer I'm unsure of His will. 

I know this is a depressing blog, but I can't find the answer that I am looking for. Let's be real, I need all the help I can get. I have tried many things and feel I have found a piece of the answer.  But I want to know the whole answer. All I know is the place God calls us to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet. I just need to keep striving for my goals, and the answers I desperately need. Patient continuance is indispensable to success. These are the only thoughts that keep me going. If you have better thoughts or answers please comment or email me. 

Donate to Naomi's Yeast Infection Clinic!

If you remember I wrote a blog about Naomi and her story a little before Christmas.  I spoke of how she is a devoted Christian and has many dreams. One of her dreams is continuing and expanding her yeast infection clinic. I decided to help make her dreams a reality by coaching her on how to create and run a business plan and asking for donations.  I am praying big.  I hope that we will be able to raise $160 for the yeast infection clinic. The money will help get the yeast infection clinic back on its feet and ensure that it will have a substantial cash flow. (If you want to read about how the business flopped or about Naomi's story in general go read Naomi's Story). 

Anyways, after hours using sluggish internet, and the help of my awesome roommate, Elena, I was able to put a donation button on my blog. Well, I wouldn't call it a button; it is more like a link. If you look to the right side of the blog you'll read "Donate to Naomi's Fund!" above a white box. The picture for PayPal won't show up, but if you click that white area below the words, it will take you directly to the donation page. Talk about easy! From there you can enter the amount of money you want to donate to the clinic. The money will automatically come to the account I set up in Tchad for Naomi and you'll put us one step closer to the making her dream a reality! This strong woman of God needs your help. Back in the United States, we would easily drop $100 on a pair of fancy shoes or a dress. All I am asking for is that you would listen to God's prompting and give as you are able. If only 16 people gave $10 we'd be set! Read Naomi's story, and be a part of our work here, from wherever you are today.

Thank you!

My Week of Torture

Now the doctors aren't sure if I have malaria or another parasite. Let me start from the beginning of my sickness to explain. It all started with me being really cold and a little achy. Two hours later I had severe body aches, tenderness, chills, a headache, and was very fatigued. 

It was miserable. I just laid in my hammock trying to sleep it off, but I knew it was malaria. I finally got the energy up to go get tested. The results were negative! So, I texted Olen and asked him what other sickness causes you to have those symptoms.

I was told that only malaria has that cocktail of misery and was prescribed quinine. I took the pills that afternoon and hoped for the best.  By 7:30 pm my stomach was churning. I went to my hut early because I wanted to sleep off the sickness. 

At 10 pm I woke with a start. I had to use the squat pot (restroom) very badly. Upon arrival it was like Niagara Falls was coming out of my butt! After that fiasco I was able to go back to sleep. To bad 30 minutes later I was running to the squat pot again. I was running back and forth until 12:30 am. By the end of the water works I couldn't walk straight. I collapsed on my bed and slept the rest of the night. 

By morning I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and no appetite. I ate enough to take quinine and barely made it through the day. This night was the same as the last. I was running sprints to the bathroom. All I wanted to do was lay down next to the squat pot. Don't worry I didn't lay on the floor. I was cognitive enough to think of the many other disease I could get from the ground. I laid on the floor in my hut and prayed that God would stop the mudslides. 

I felt even worse in the morning. I didn't even have enough energy to get into the hammock. I laid on a hard wooden bench and texted Olen. I asked him if waterfalls gushing out of your butt was a normal side effect of quinine. He told me that it was probably amoebas or some other parasite making my life miserable. He told me to poop on a mango leaf and bring it to the lab. He would get the results and let me know what I had. 

I had the leaf sitting next to the toilet ready for action, but it never got the action it deserved. It withered and died because I had performance anxiety . . . or so I thought. Instead of having severe diarrhea I was extremely constipated. 

I don't understand how it happened. I wasn't eating, so I shouldn't have had anything to poop out, right? Well, I was constipated for three days until things normalized. I explained to Olen why I didn't take the test and he was baffled too. He said that the diarrhea would probably come back and I could get tested then. 

In the end I had two torturous nights of diarrhea, three days of constipation, I went seven days without eating (or eating very little), and suffered seven days with the side effects of quinine. My ears were ringing, I was nauseous . . . I had every single side effect possible.  To make matters worse we had 55 nasaras visiting the hospital. Maranatha came to build the nursing school and then Adventist Health Institute (AHI) and other people came for the "cutting of the ribbon". 

That meant even though I was sick I had to help set up and clean for the nasaras, and I had to deal with the loud noises of the crowd in my ringing ears. The most important people in Bere came to the party too, which meant I had to deal with my molester and other really annoying government officials. I chose the best and the worst week to get sick. I got out of a lot of work, but had to do and deal with a lot of things that wouldn't have annoyed me if I was well. 

Anyway, I had a torturous week both mentally and physically. However, the week did end on a good note. I got the Christmas package from Union! It was full of letters and wonderful gifts that cheered me up. Vernee even decorated the box for me. That made my week so much better. Thanks guys!