I know I blogged earlier about being unable to get away. There are people everywhere. I never seem to get my much needed alone time. Well, now there is a new SM here named Jonny. He is a really nice guy, but now, the SM hut seems to have significantly shrunk. Because their houses are so far away, all the guys have most of their stuff in the SM hut. This is understandable, however, this one-roomed hut can only hold so much "stuff" before it becomes too much.
I have tried to leave anything and everything I can at my hut. My backpack, jacket, and towel are my only possessions in the SM hut; I hardly take up space. (Ok, I do have a box of food there too, but we use the box as a chair. Since it is used as furniture, I didn't count among the stuff of "mine" that is taking up space).
Between the lack of space and the excess of testosterone I am at my wit's end. I am use to hanging out with a bunch of guys, but at the end of the day I usually return to a building full of girls (the dorm). Even in that building full of girls, I am still able to have my alone time. Yes, here I am accepted and treated like one of the guys, but I'm still a girl! Ok, true, I'm not the most girly-girl around, however, I miss doing and talking about girl things. (I never thought I would admit something like that).
Maybe I wouldn't miss girly things so much if I had time to be a girl by myself. I am being suffocated. I can't go to the SM hut because all the SM's are there. I can't go to the pavilion because the worker's children are there. I can't go home because my host children are there and want to play with me. Forget about going into the bush somewhere to be alone, being a nasara and a girl attracts way too much attention. I have no options . . .
This suffocation is not just affecting my personal life though, it is also affecting my spiritual life. I feel like I have been squeezed and pushed until I became disconnected from God. At first, I didn't understand why. I was doing the same things I always do (give or take a few things). It wasn't until I was having devotion that I realized what my problem was.
I started reading the book of Exodus, which has been quite boring. (Sorry, I have to be honest here). I had hoped to find a blessing while reading the details God required for the Sanctuary, but I was wrong. I don't know if it was because I was already disconnected, but I was really having a hard time continuing to read the Bible.
One night I read Exodus 31. It was about how God specifically chose the craftsman for the work He described, and it also spoke a little about the Sabbath. This chapter wasn't as hard to read as past chapters, and things began to hit home.
Exodus 31:12-17 talks about the Sabbath in a more detailed way than the 10 Commandments. The Sabbath had two purposes: a time to rest and a time to remember the work God has done in your life. We need rest. Without time off from the bustle of life, things begin to lose meaning. Here God is reminding us that without Sabbath we will forget the purpose for all our activities and lose the balance crucial for a faithful life.
There's the answer to all my problems. I haven't been treating Sabbath correctly. Yes, I rest on Sabbath physically, but I don't rest mentally. I am all over the place. Like I said before, "I feel like you can never catch up in Tchad. You are always trying and always failing." I have been trying so hard to catch up mentally that I haven't rested, even for the Sabbath.
Although I made this discovery, I still feel really suffocated and disconnected from God. I have been praying that God would give me the air I desperately need to breath and structure an even stronger connection with Him. However, my discovery and prayers have been partnered with new struggles.
After 4 months without it, I finally got malaria. I feel miserable. I have severe body aches, tenderness, chills, fever, lethargy, and a pounding headache. The body aches and tenderness are so bad that even my clothes are hurting me. It doesn't help that I also have the chills. I put on a jacket and cover myself with a huge blanket just to stay warm. I have almost slept for 2 days straight and have little to no appetite. Unfortunately, that's just how malaria goes. I don't know how bad the effects of quinine will be . . . let's not talk about that right now. It is too overwhelming. (Sorry I am typing in a malarial state so I apologize for this poorly written blog post).
The torture malaria brings makes my suffocation seem 300 times worse. All I want is a little room to myself where I can breathe. Typically, I love people and can be really talkative, but I never realized how much I valued my "me" time. I miss my "me" time and don't know how to get it back. Please continue to pray for me. I don't want to go off on one of the SM's or even worse, one of the missionaries. Things could get a little touchy if I exploded. Once you say things you can't take them back. Also, pray for my health and relationship with God.
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