***I wrote this January 29, 2014, but I got sick and had no internet access. So I was unable to post it until now.
I am sick again. Last week Tuesday I had almost passed out while working in the hospital. I was really pale and sweaty and my blood pressure was lower then usual. This Tuesday the same thing happened. Only this time I was scrubbed in. I was helping Danae with a surgery. There was a bleeder and Danae was trying locate where it was bleeding from. My job was to move everything out of the way so she could see. Sounds simple right? Well that was when I started to go downhill. I was leaning against the patient because I could hardly stand, and was breathing really hard. I started to sweat bullets. I told Danae I was feeling bad, but tried to hang in there until the end. There was no one else who could take my spot.
I had spoken to Danae earlier about feeling sick. All the horrible symptoms I had when I got malaria returned yesterday (Monday). The sever body aches, the headache, everything. It started off slow then quickly started to progress. I basically slept all day. In the end I admitted to myself that I probably relapsed. (I took quinine so I wouldn't relapse, but God is the only infallible thing in life). I decided that I would take the malaria test the next day (Tuesday) because the lab was closed.
The next morning, Tuesday morning, all of my malaria symptoms were gone except for the headache. This was weird because if I had malaria I should be feeling worse the next day, not better. This made me question if the first time was actually malaria, or a weird instance like now. That's the only reason I went to work in the hospital. I was feeling fine. When I told Danae what had happened the day before she said if I get a fever to go get tested for malaria. Other then that I should be fine.
The ovarian cystectomy I scrubbed in for was suppose to be a quick and easy surgery. That is why Danae asked me to scrub in. She wanted me to get experience. However, the 4cm cyst was 2 1/2in minimum. We didn't have the right tools, and there was no way of getting them. We had to use what we had. So, we were already in a bind when my health problems made it worse.
Long story short, I stayed scrubbed in until Danae could finish the rest of the surgery by herself. Then I quickly left to go lay down. Everyone was staring at me because I was really pale and I had blood on my scrubs from the surgery. They didn't know what to think.
After laying down for an hour I was feeling a little better. I wasn't feeling faint anymore, but I was really fatigued. I went to get tested and did the bare minimum for the rest of the day. For example, I went to gymnastics but I had one of the Bere boys spot for me. (When I say spot I mean make sure that the kids don't fall and hurt themselves). I showed him how to do it with the first person in line then had him do it to the rest of the children.
By the end of the day I was exhausted and really nauseous. I was afraid I would faint or throw up if I kept moving. However, I needed to get my results for the malaria test. I asked one of the SMs to get it for me and he said no. I asked another SM and got the same response. No one would get the test for me! I sat there for 10 minutes trying to gain energy to walk to the hospital, then left. (The hospital was next door. It wasn't that far).
I went the Urgence and they didn't have my results. I went to the lab to see if they had my result and no one was there. (This was after I was told that the lab was now open 24/7). I was hot and sweaty by this point. I prepared to drop at any moment. Thank God I didn't. I made it back to the SM hut and sat down feeling even worse by that point. I was so annoyed and fed up I started packing up my things to leave early.
Anyways, I still don't know what I have and still feel horrible. I am sorry my past blogs have been so depressing, but things are getting pretty hard out here. I could take the health problems and the hardship Tchadian culture brings, but the SMs and missionaries are a different story. They flew around half of the world to come and serve people, but they are only serving themselves. They couldn't even take 3 minutes out of their night to get my test results. I know I have blogged before about the lack of missionary spirit and feeling extremely suffocated here, but things are only getting worse.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right. I don't feel like I will die from this sickness...once I figure out what it is...so I guess I will be stronger. I just have to keep reminding myself to never fall to that level. Multiple times I have gone to get their test results when they were sick. I have slept on the floor for 3 nights next to one of the Project 21 leader when she got sick. I plan to continue to do the same thing.
All in all, I titled my blog "Let's Be Real" for a reason. (Well, I had help from my friends. They came up with the name and I fell in love with it. It is one of the phrases I say all the time). I knew that there would be a lot of good during this trip along with the bad. I wanted to write about both. I wanted people to know the full story about SMing. Everyone comes back with all these amazing stories, or they completely hated it. There was no middle ground. I am trying to keep it 100%. I want to be transparent. I am speaking my mind.
I know that right now many of my blogs seem to be negative. That is because things are starting to get really hard out here. Like I said, I feel I could deal with the sicknesses and the Tchadian hardships, however, sometimes the SMs and missionaries are a challenge.
Truthfully, I am staying because I came to help the people of Bere in any way I could. I can't let anything detour me from my goal. Seeing how happy my students are when I walk into the classroom, or the children who come running when I start gymnastics keeps me going. How everyone thanks us multiple times for our health lectures, or how my host children run out to greet me as I come home from work. I can't even begin to explain how thankful Naomi and her yeast infection clinic are for the help. I can't let the missionaries stop me from bring the blessing God has planned for these people. I know I was brought here for a reason, and plan to stay and see that that reason is fulfilled.
In short, I am sorry for all the negative posts, I want to make sure everyone understand the good and bad the mission field has to offer an how important it is to stay focused. I don't mean to scare people off, but I do want to prepare them. I want future SMs to be prepared for hardships so they won't want to leave. I want them to be firmly planted in God and His word so that no matter what they come up against they will be ready to take on anything and everything that is thrown at them. And for those who don't want to be missionaries, but support the mission field, I want them to fully understand what missionaries have to go through. Yes, we need monetary support as well as other donations, but we truly need your prays. Things can get really tough, and no matter how much money is donated, or medical and school supplies are given, only God can help us through.
"There is great need of workers, and there are many ways in which they can labor. There is work for those in the higher, as well as in the more humble positions. But we want none to come out to this field who have not a high sense of what it means to be a missionary. Individually, all need a heart work. A good work cannot be done by the human agent alone. For the full development and efficiency of the intellectual as well as the spiritual powers, there is, there must be, a vital connection with God, a communion with the highest source of activity. Then with the soul all aglow with zeal for the Master, we can be a blessing to others." – Ellen G. White {MMis December 1, 1892 Par. 11}
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