My Apologies

So...I have a lot of apologizing to do. Today I was approached about many things that I have done, written, or said. I was too close to circumstance or situations and I knew it too. Although I let things rest for a week or two I still wasn't able to see the full picture. Even now after being told about things it is hard for me to understand or fully grasp their meaning, although I am trying to. (Ok, let's be real, I knew that there was a problem with my writing because my mom called me out on it last week. However, I didn't realize how deep the problem really was until now. That is why I wrote the clarification post trying to remedy the situation and stuff like that. I should have approached it in a different way, and probably would have if I had heeded my mother's warning).

In regards to my blogs, I was writing how I speak. I say stuff to get it off my chest and then move on. However, I didn't think about how everyone could see what I have written. In my mind I was writing to close friends and family. They knew how I am and understood, why I said or wrote the things I did. (Although I'm sure the though that everyone could see it was somewhere in the back of my mind. However, I didn't give the thought much attention). Like I said, I say what I need to say to get things off my chest, and then move on. That isn't a good thing, even saying some of the things I wrote is bad in itself. Just yesterday Charis read a section of Steps to Christ to me and it really hit home. 

The passage talked about how you should be careful what you say out loud because Satan can take those doubts and use them against you. We have also been talking about not complaining. When I took the test to see how much I complained my results said that I complain a bit, but for the most part I was good. I don't know if I have been lying to myself or how I got those results. But I do know that I complain more than I realize and it is a problem. Yeah, I try not to dwell on the situation, but I still complain. Literally, last night I prayed to God to help me become more like him. I don't want to be known as a complainer or anything else that isn't in His likeness. I was having trouble sleeping because I was thinking about that and various other things. (I still went to sleep pretty early because I have had trouble sleeping lately). And when I woke up God started showing me all the things I need to change.

They are all connected in a way, so it seems like a lot to me. But it probably isn't as much work as I think it is. Anyways, one of my main problems was that I had a plank in my eye. I had more than a plank in my eye; my eyes were (and still are) plastered shut with cement. I don't know how I was able to find the speck in everyone else's eyes, but somehow I did. 

I have known that I have a really hard time getting my point across when I write. In my head I am writing one thing, but my audience is reading the total opposite of what I mean. Between my cemented eyes and unclear writing skills, I have lead everyone to believe that I am something I'm not. In the past I would never call myself prideful although I knew I wasn't totally humble. I would call myself a work in progress. Now I realize how prideful I truly am. I had to be slapped back to reality because I was too far gone to see the truth. 

I know I am being very vague right now, but every time I try to be more specific I start to cry. I'm usually not an emotional person, but I guess that is one of the many changes that took place during this trip. I cried so hard that I began sobbing and almost induced an asthma attack. I haven't done that since I was a kid... Anyways, the truth hurts, but it can also set you free. So, I have a lot of work to do now that I recognize my downfalls. If I have wronged you in any way I will seek you out to make things right. It wasn't my intention to hurt people, but I now realize I have. And for that I am truly sorry. 

PS: I have a lot of people to apologize to, so if I have wronged you in any way and haven't come to apologize please let me know. I don't want to overlook anyone.