PA or MD

I have been trying to study for the MCAT during this trip. The summer of my return I have to take that dreaded test.  I should be extremely focused and determined to do well on the MCAT right? Wrong. I usually study a hour on a good day, but most days I study 15 minutes...or not at all.

Typically, I am able to stay focused. However, I can't seem to get away. I can't study at my hut (in the village) because the children stand outside my door and yell my name. They want to play with me.  I always make excuses to not study. I would think/say something like, " I don't want to be a 'bad missionary'," and I go play with the children. It is even harder on the compound.

I would try to study in the SM hut, but everyone is going to and fro. They start talking to me or ask if I want to go do something (usually something I really want to do). At times I say no and study....but not that often. I can't find the library of Tchad where there are no distractions. I never have alone time. I can never get away. 

To make things worse, my scores haven't changed. I take sectional exams and every time achieve the same score...to the tee. There is never improvements or backsliding. I wish I would see some sort of change, whether it be good or bad. I need an indicator. I need to know if my study tools are effective or not. I feel like I am wasting my time. 

(I can be a really bad standardized test taker. That is why I am stressing so much...and not studying. I feel that I will do really bad regardless. Studying hasn't helped me in the past and it won't help me now...I know that isn't true. I recognized the reason I am a bad test taker, and a possible way to fix the problem. It's just a matter of putting my plans into action).

As if the stress of taking the MCAT wasn't enough the Nettebergs made me question if I really want to be a MD or not.  I know that if I do well on all the standardize tests in med school I will do great. I'm not worried about anything else in med school. I am confident. I have always wanted to be a doctor and worked hard to achieve that goal. I have many good reasons for becoming a doctor. I even felt that is where the Lord was leading...until now. 

The Nettebergs talk about how you have to be perfect in everything. Not only is it a competition between you and your classmates, but one mistake during med school and you lose your practising license. You are dropped from med school...end of dream.  Once you start your career you can get a malpractice and get sued.  Everyone is trying to prove the doctor wrong. 

I always looked at the good being a doctor can bring and do. I knew all the things they said to me, but the way they said it was new. It really hit home. I am certain I can become a doctor if I stay focused, but the dog eat dog lifestyle isn't appealing. I was prepared for the long, late hours studying, and the pressures of school in general, but I don't want to feel like I am being attack for the rest of my life.  I help others that need it, both inside and out the medical field. I know I should be Christlike and turn the other cheek, but I can't help someone to their feet while they are biting my hand. I will try to help them multiple times, but after-while I get tired of getting bitten. 

The life they explained isn't one that I wanted to live. Especially to become a medical doctor. I want to learn all that I can to be the best missionary possible. The atmosphere med school has can mold my character into something good, however, it also has the power to break me down and reshape me into something else. Something I don't want to be.  

I would always crack jokes about becoming a PA because of the MCAT. But what if I did switch my emphasis? I was talking with a returning short-term missionary who is a neural surgeon. He asked me, "If you had to chose one, would you rather be a doctor or a missionary?" I had time to sit and think about it a bit, but I didn't need too. The answer was easy. I rather be a missionary.  

You have so many options when you are a missionary. Take this trip for instance. Not only am I working under public health, I am an English teacher, a PT, a midwife, a surgeon's aide, a gymnastics coach, the Sabbath school teacher... The list can go on and on.  You can do and be so much. There is always a need. I rather put my energy into the things I mentioned above than see a few patients a day and do hours of paperwork, and there is still the possibility of being sued or other craziness. NO THANK YOU!

Now that I realize I rather be a missionary I need to reevaluate my life. The more you know the better missionary you can be.  I want to be the best missionary I can be. But is the best becoming a PA and learning everything else I need to know, or becoming a doctor?

I have been thinking and praying about this for a long time. I need to figure things out quickly because each choice requires different actions. First off, I am not efffectively studying for the MCAT because of the distractions and I'm confused. Second off, the main reason I need to figure things out quickly, as soon as I get back, starting in the summer, there are two distinct paths I have to take to become a PA or MD. I have to prepare for either one of those paths while I am here. So I need to know what I want to do, which is hopefully what the Lord wants me to do, so I can prepare as needed.